I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
