Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize