She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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