i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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