My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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