Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
