My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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