my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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