I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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