Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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