did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize