I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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