Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
