Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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