i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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