Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
