yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize