I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
