no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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