no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
