I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
