he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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