words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I pour the whiskey from now on
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I currently don't understand fingers.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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