She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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