I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
