My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
two words: eviction party
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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