if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
