I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
