it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
