Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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