Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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