watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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