just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
