Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
