My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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