Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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