If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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