I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
