I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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