This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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