I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
