is your mom at the bar?
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
