I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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