sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
