guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
