Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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