i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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