Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
