My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Randomize
