felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize