he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
