so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
