this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize