i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize