I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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