I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
