before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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