I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
