Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
