So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
