I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
