AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
