don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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