i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Come see our sink grown plant.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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