he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
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