There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize