this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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