The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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