i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have surprise drugs for everyone
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
