I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You pole danced in your parka.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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