You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
